Yeehaw! Free Land Available in the Wild West!
Settler colonialism is back in the spotlight, and it's here to stay.
Irrational Takes is a satirical column that highlights the nonsense and bullshit in current events.
Illustration by Ally Hart; Photo Credits: John Gast & Jasper van der Meij
THE WILD WEST — Despite a global pandemic and protests which currently rock the nation, Americans should rest easy that at least one thing remains constant: settler colonialism. On June 12, the New York Times published a stunning article, entitled “Living on Free Land,” that assured readers it’s not too late to participate in the age-old project of westward expansion. “Modern free land programs give Americans the chance to claim the best plots in areas not yet settled,” explained Times reporter Alyson Krueger.
In addition to newly instated programs, free land has also been handed down within families since the U.S. government began sponsoring settler colonialism through the Homestead Act of 1862. Garrett Wilder, whose great grandfather acquired free land in Oklahoma, has lived on the family plot his entire life. His living room features an impressive collection of Cherokee arrowheads. “My great granddaddy was an original white settler, and he just found these laying on the land when he got here!” he said. “We never figured out where they came from.”
Despite a global pandemic and protests which currently rock the nation, Americans should rest easy that at least one thing remains constant: settler colonialism.
Renewed interest in colonization inspired a new HGTV show called My Cowboy Life, which follows five families who have taken advantage of free land programs and are building their dream mansions on massive plots. The show is to be hosted by the third Property Brother, a freckled and slightly grubby eight-year-old named Little Tommy. He responded to a request for comment with this simple yet insightful proclamation: “Giddy-up!”
News about opportunities to settle the West also jogged the economy, which had been in a slump since March. Industries most impacted by the COVID-19 pandemic, such as travel, saw a surge in stock values. “People are sick of sitting around their second homes, unable to go outside,” said Matt Custer, CEO of the popular travel agency chain Manifest Destiny. “They deserve to explore new territory far away from others, where they can colonize several hundred acres while social distancing.”
“People are sick of sitting around their second homes, unable to go outside… They deserve to explore new territory far away from others, where they can colonize several hundred acres while social distancing.”
While some Americans rejoiced at the news, countering their pandemic boredom by taking on colonial projects, others remained critical. Some readers of the Times article remarked that Krueger’s use of the term “free land” erases America’s violent acts of land theft and genocide against indigenous people. When asked about this dispute over “free land,” Garrett Wilder responded, “As someone who is one sixty-fourth Native American, it doesn’t bother me.”
The price of oil, which dropped below $0 a barrel in April, also witnessed a decisive uptick after the news broke that American imperialism was alive and well. Fracking mogul Elizabeth Rockefeller, owner of Pick Yourself Up By Your Bootstraps (PYUBYB) Corp., said the article’s publication sparked the largest one-day leap in the oil industry’s history. “It’s a great day for oil,” Rockefeller said, her voice catching in her throat. “I’m leaving to claim my plot of land right after this interview. My dream is to see the Dakota Access Pipeline out of every window of my house.”
Indigenous communities are experiencing some of the highest rates of COVID-19 in the U.S. due to underfunded medical systems and PPE and testing shortages. You can learn more about the crisis and donate to the Navajo Nation COVID-19 Relief Fund here, or the Indigenous Environmental Network’s COVID-19 Mutual Aid Fund here.
