Mmm! Smells Like Neoliberalism
Introducing Ban.do's miraculous "Student Loans" scented candle.
Irrational Takes is a satirical column that highlights the nonsense and bullshit in current events.
Illustration by Ally Hart
LOS ANGELES — For Becky Carson, who graduated college into a pandemic and the worst global recession since World War II, the added burden of outstanding student loans and a stagnated job market pushed her to look for unconventional solutions to her debt. She had no idea, however, that when the upscale L.A. lifestyle brand Ban.do released their Student Loans scented candle, her life was about to change forever.
At a mere $32, the candle promises the tantalizing odor of cardamom, sea salt, and “dark musk,” as well as the one-in-a-million chance to wipe out a lucky buyer’s existing student loan debt.
Carson, who owed approximately $80,000 in loans, thought the odds seemed good enough to take a chance on—one thousand, five hundred and sixty-two times. Upon igniting the 1,562nd candle, she checked her student portal to find that her student loans had vanished. “I spent $50,000 on candles,” she said proudly. “Now I only have 50k of candle debt, rather than 80k of student loan debt. I’d call that a win.”
Carson’s success story was not without its ups and downs, however. When she lit the first round of Student Loans candles in the hope that one of them would wipe out her crushing debt, her father, Charles Carson, recalls the stench that filled their home. “It was like pure shit,” he said, shuddering at the memory. “I had no choice but to give Becky an ultimatum: it was us or the candles.”
Needless to say, the younger Carson held firm to her faith in the wax. After couch surfing at friends’ houses for several months, she realized she had acquired enough candles to use them to construct a small home for herself. She decided to build a Cape Cod-style candle cottage in her parents’ backyard after confirming the odor would not travel to the main house. “It was absolutely the right decision,” she said. “Sometimes in the summer, I wake up with wax on my face, but that’s all part of the fun.”
The news of Carson’s lucky candle win came as Ban.do’s co-founder Jen Gotch stepped down over accusations of racism and discrimination in the company. “Here at Ban.do, we’re really all about giving back,” said Gotch’s temporary replacement Cynthia Stahler, slurping at an acai bowl in her sunny L.A. office. “I’m so glad that Becky can live the rest of her life free of student loan debt thanks to us.”
When asked what her next steps will be, Carson replied that she is searching for “creative solutions” to paying off her new candle-related debt while enjoying the feeling of being liberated from the agonizing anxiety of student loan payments. “It feels like a fresh start,” she said. “New debt, new me.”
