Oops! Local Trump Supporter Confused When Halloween Poll-Watching Event Is Strangely Void of Strippers
Ambiguous language in an email from Trump’s Army leads to a night of disappointment.
Irrational Takes is a satirical column that highlights the nonsense and bullshit in current events.
Illustration by Ally Hart
LUZERNE COUNTY, PA — On Halloween, Paul Ghent of Wilkes-Barre arrived at a ballot drop-off box in his hometown expecting an evening of watching pole dancing at the nearby gentlemen’s club. What he found instead caught him completely by surprise: a gaggle of ghouls, goblins, clowns, and one inexplicable ballerina, all in homemade “Trump’s Army” t-shirts, crowding menacingly around the ballot box.
“I’ve never been more bewildered,” said Ghent, sheepishly scratching his balding head. “To say this event was not as advertised would be an understatement.”
The confusion began a week ago, when Ghent received an email from a local Donald Trump action group, of which he is a member. The email was addressed to “all schoolyard bullies, relatives of Edward Cullen, mafiosos, militia members, and red-blooded patriots!” The message went on to invite group members to a Halloween “poll watching event,” where attendees would “keep a stern eye on those puppies” to ensure “the goods aren’t being mishandled ;) .”
Ghent said he assumed the event was a type of bonding activity for local Trump supporters that would include $3 Margherita Night and pole dancing at Marty’s Gentlemen’s Club. Instead, he found himself scaring away voters in what was revealed to be a voter intimidation scheme. “I guess I misinterpreted what ‘poll watching’ meant,” said Ghent with a shrug. “The tone sounded so playful.”
“I guess I misinterpreted what ‘poll watching’ meant…”
One of the masked men, who wore a bestial mask and a shirt which read “Keep America Monstrous!” and identified himself only as Tony Werewolf, said the group was keeping an eye out for “suspicious activity.” “We don’t want anyone trying to put in one of those fraudulent ballots, you know?” he said, running a hand over his matted, furry face.
When questioned about whether he considered the group’s actions to be aimed at disenfranchising voters, Tony Werewolf howled with laughter and refused to comment, instead emitting a series of staccato barks that were soon taken up by his ghastly companions.
Despite apparent efforts on the part of the gremlin squad to scare off would-be voters, their presence seemed to have the opposite effect. Families appeared en masse to drop off their ballots in person, and children screamed in delight at the appearance of Halloween festivities which have been largely diminished in light of the still-raging coronavirus pandemic.
One voter, Millie Vanderhorn, said she could barely control her six-year-old daughter when she saw the costumed villains surrounding the ballot box. “It’s so charming that these people thought to bring some holiday spirit to the voters,” she said, smiling as she physically restrained her screaming daughter from running up to the so-called “Trump’s Army.” “It’s strange they didn’t bring candy, though.”
He was, however, delighted that Trump’s Army had opted to wear masks while committing criminal acts of voter intimidation.
Joel Greengrass, a self-identified Biden supporter, said he was left scratching his head at the group’s “lame attempts to scare away non-Trump voters.” He was, however, delighted that Trump’s Army had opted to wear masks while committing criminal acts of voter intimidation. “At least this won’t be a super-spreader event, and that’s a goddamn blessing,” he said.
After his initial befuddlement over the nature of the poll watching event had worn off, Paul Ghent said he joined his fellow soldiers in snarling, howling, and cackling at approaching voters. After an hour of ineffective intimidation, however, the goons were forced to admit their efforts were in vain, and Ghent led the group to Marty’s Gentlemen’s Club for drinks and lessons in erotic dancing. “This type of pole watching is more my speed, anyway,” said Ghent with a wink, before disappearing behind the door.
