Oh No! Trump Supporters' Private Border Wall Swallowed by Hell Creatures
In an unprecedented geological phenomenon, hell has opened beneath the $1.7 billion dollar wall.
Irrational Takes is a satirical column that highlights the nonsense and bullshit in current events.
Illustration by Ally Hart
EL PASO — On Thursday, ProPublica reported that the 1.7 billion dollar border wall privately funded by Trump supporters is in danger of falling into the Rio Grande. Engineers initially determined that runoff erosion was weakening the wall’s structural integrity. However, as the cracks in the wall’s foundation continue to grow, scientists are being forced to concede that the phenomenon was caused by something else entirely: the opening of hell’s horrible gaping maw.
Some who live near the wall at first rejected the idea that hell had opened its cavernous jaws in order to swallow the barrier, musing that a particularly voracious sinkhole had opened. That all changed when they witnessed a procession of hell creatures emerge from underground and begin chomping away at the sandy loam under the foundation with astonishing gusto.
People who had gathered to watch July 4th fireworks found themselves instead unable to look away from the destruction of the wall, now teeming with hell creatures. One onlooker was Johnny Mill, one of the largest private donors to the border wall project. “These things look like giant reptilian Troll Dolls,” said Mill, before vomiting into the hell cavity. Another onlooker, Harley McClintock, eyed a nearby hell creature warily. “It’s hard to believe this is anything other than divine retribution,” he said.
When asked to explain the unusual incident in scientific terms, the acclaimed geologist Dr. Rocky Crag surveyed the carnage thoughtfully before replying, “We’re still learning about this phenomenon. A cursory survey of the soil around the wall shows relatively normal levels of silt and clay, but the quantities of newt eyes, dead men’s toes, and snail tusks are off the charts for this geologic area. All signs point to the wrath of hell.”
While the hell creatures seem mainly intent on gnawing away at the wall, several eyewitnesses say they saw one hell creature, whose name tag read “Terry,” break away from the rest and gobble down the still-retching Johnny Mill. When approached for comment, Terry emitted a garbled shriek that sounded like “SKRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” and bounded away.
Not all Texans who live near the new hell portal find its appearance troubling. Billy Franklin, a farmer whose land on the banks of the Rio Grande was used to build a part of the wall, discovered that his crops have produced a bounty ten times greater than usual in recent days. “Hell creature manure is a fantastic fertilizer,” announced Franklin, gazing fondly at his flourishing squash crop. “Hell can open its terrible gullet on my land whenever it pleases, as far as I’m concerned.”
